Self

Lately I feel like I have no idea who I am. I hate that, simply because I don't know what I want for my future. All my life I've been pushed by the people around me to do things that don't really "click" with me. Engineer, Scientist, Programmer, Architect, etc. None of these things strike me as interesting, and I don't think I've ever expressed any true desire to do any of these things. Certain people just take some of my smaller interests and stretch it to mean something else that they want out of me. I liked playing with K'Nex (I think that's what they are called), so that meant I would be putting things together for a career. I liked playing games, so I could possibly be a game programmer. But the moment they realized that I was doing music in college, they started asking me "And what else are you going to do?" You'd think trying to do something that would make you happy would be good enough, but of course, most people measure happiness in money.

What makes it worse, is that I like making people happy...so I told my family (mainly my parents and grandmother) that I might be a biomedical engineer. To be honest, all I know is that prosthetics and machines might be related to that career. The only reason I even said that is I knew it would make them happy. Sure enough, that start focusing on that, telling everyone that I'm going to college to eventually be a biomedical engineer. They don't like to tell anyone that I'm a music major. They don't mind telling them that I'm in choir, but a music major? Now that's just not practical. I'll admit, it may not be the best paying career to do operas or musicals or just singing around the world, but I think I would like it. The closest thing I like to science is general physics, but only barely.

I like to think that I've always been an artistic type of person. I like logic, but the things that mean the most to me are the things that come directly from creative ideas or pure emotion. Because there is more to it than just making money, having a prestigious job, being a role model, and all that other BS, just to look good to the people around you. I like bboying, singing, drawing, and acting. These are the things that make up who I am now. They may not be what I like forever, but when I'm doing any of these things, I'm usually happy. But now I'm now forced to decide whether I want a "future", or not. The only thing I can aim for is making my parents happy, because I honest to God don't know what I want anymore. I've spent so much time and energy trying to make others happy by avoiding confrontation, that I've completed downplayed what I want. Now, my answer to the question "What do you want?" has been preset to "It doesn't matter. What do you want?" I used to have an answer hidden in my head. I don't have anything anymore...

For now, I'm a Music Major, enjoying choir and voice lessons. Enjoying bboying. Enjoying me. But around this time next year, I'm more than likely going to be pre-med. I wish I liked something that would make me a lot of money so this wouldn't be so bad. Maybe I could find happiness in being a biomedical engineer. But maybe isn't good enough, so for now, I'm going to not care about what others expect, because my priorities are no longer future focused. My present happiness is what matters most for me, and the first thing I need to do is find myself again. Should be easy enough once I purge myself of the world's expectations.

Peace.

Counting Down...

Call me a biter if you want, but my friends updated and I felt like I haven't in a while so here I am haha.

So....the days are counting down before college starts, even less left for when I start moving into my apartment in Birmingham. As always, I'm letting myself get stressed out because I waited until the last second to start getting ready...I've pretty much lost all my basic musician skills, such as simple sight-reading, and I haven't practiced any of my music since my Vocal Juries...and I'm actually going to officially be a music major at UAB in less than a month. Stupid me. On a brighter note, I've been breakin' alot....on another bad note, I've also been getting smoked alot, which is detrimental to my confidence. But I'm getting better, so that's all that matters right now.

As far as anything else goes, life just is. I can't see the future right now... I'm spending a little time looking back to make sure I understand everything that's happened, so I can take that knowledge with me. And in this manner, I won't even have to look at what is, but create what will be. In the meantime, I need to practice sight reading and my old rep book songs. Peace.

Winds of Change...Go Swoooosh

So today (yesterday....whatever) I bought some Nike Dunk's VOLUNTARILY for the first time. I didn't really want to resort to buying Nike because I've been against them since a mass majority of society wears them, and I  like trying to widen the scope a little. My favorite's have always been Puma Suedes or Baskets. Unfortunately, they've gone "out of style" it seems....no place sells them anymore. The only Puma's left are not as good as the classics....so I decided to go for something new. I thought Addidas, but I don't think I'd look right in them. Chuck Taylor's are a favorite of mine, but they only last like a month for me because of my wide feet...eventually a hole gets ripped in the side. So what to do, what to do....I go to Journeys at Parkway Place and see this decent pair of Nike Dunks: simply white and black. Now, the question arises: Should I step into another pair of soles that I'm not used to? Should I step out of my comfort zone? Eh.....indecision. Walk off, go to Finish Line. I see a pair of Puma's.....they were ugly. Very. Sadness....I leave, and go back to Journeys. The moment has come. Yes or no?....I bought those $79(?) shoes...I don't regret it a bit. In fact, I am quite proud of this. The shoes are slightly uncomfortable, but they'll break in, and I'll adjust accordingly.

Perhaps this is how I should approach life....It's time to change, even if it's only a little. I've been on the edge of the world looking in, because I can't seem to delve into something new and different. But now, I'm feeling....new, inspired....something. Whatever it may be, I'm glad I bought these new shoes...They've given me a new perspecitve... It's been a long day...but it's going to be an even longer summer. The boundaries that mark my comfort zone are going to be torn down, and done away with, so that I can experience that which I have yet to see for myself. It'll take some time to get used to, but I'll get broken in, and adjust accordingly. Time to explore the expanse!

Peace

Bboy Kuni

Hmmm...

It's been a while...

Lee High School life is pretty much done with, all there is left to do is find a physics book to replace my old one, or find the old one, graduation, and graduation reception. The planning of this reception is a nuisance, because I'm very much involved in it...I really shouldn't be involved, but whatever. My g-ma invited a bunch of family members that might not all come. I was told only to invite close friends, but I don't even know if I have time left to do all that. Not to mention, most of them won't want to come because it costs $12 (it's catered...). I doubt if family will even want to still come because of that. And DJ, Kevin, and I all have to sing a song at the reception (it's a joint-reception...or something), and so far we haven't picked one and the reception is in 6 days. Blah.

In other news, I've been trippin lately. I never imagined that I would be afflicted with all the emotions that come with having a crush on someone...Yeah, a high school crush. But the problem is now that high school is over, I'm out of time. Had I picked up on my attraction to her, I could have done something about it earlier this year. But alas, procrastination being my fatal flaw, I missed every possible chance to do something...I could use this last summer before college to do something...but in the end, we will be seperated by distance when college comes, so what's the point? Happiness is, but despair will come with it...right?

I resolved that it would be a decent (not the best) idea to let her go...But I can't. As pitiful as this sounds, love songs make me think of her...mostly showtunes of course, but that's beside the point. "Maria" from West Side Story, "Johanna" from Sweeney Todd, "Written in the Stars" from Aida (and pretty much 5 other songs from that show), "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" from Lion King, etc. Gay. Gay gay gay gay...

I'm hoping the summer will be productive in some way. Whether I let her go, or something happens between us...it doesn't matter, as long as I don't feel so conflicted anymore. At least I know I'm going to be getting doper before and while I'm at UAB... Bboyin is a blessing...

...the heart wants to believe it, but the mind doesn't comprehend it. All you can go on is what you percieve, but that's not enough to know the truth, not when shattered mirrors show you different perspectives of the same image...But can the mirrors be fixed so the truth in it's entirety will be revealed? Is there a bigger picture lying in the reflection, an image of truth revealed, or will all an oriented mirror show is that you are all that you know and nothing else is clearer than that? ....Do the shattered mirrors mean that who you are is unclear? No.....the mirrors only show  inversed images of how people see you. In the end, mirrors are only good for showing you images of yourself in the eyes of others....You don't need to look in the mirror to see who you are. But how can you know the heart, mind, and soul of others when all you see are images?

Images don't hold truth....they're only images...the eyes see it, the heart wants to believe it, but the mind doesn't comprehend it...